The Distance from Falling in Love to True Love: How To Get There and the Trip Cost


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Once we come into the field of relationships, we drawn into the dimension of feelings. When it comes to romantic love, you can easily say goodbye to your rational part no matter how self-conscious you consider yourself. A consciousness ‘in love’ is magnetized by one concrete object. We’re attracted, froze up and stuck. Why?

Ghost riders of love

I was in love with friend for some years. Our sympathy was mutual, but love was not. It was only mine, came only from me and was supported not by both of us. Feelings to him mostly didn’t appear from real mutual experience, but it was nourished by my fantasy, the main characters of which were deep Projections familiar to all of us.

Mountains, tents, training… we were there together, or rather nearby, talking about different things under the moonlight, surrounded by spruce smell, and I with my feelings. Suddenly he asks me:

Do you know what my favorite color is?

? ..

Or my favorite fruit?

A pause, silence, shock. I had no answer. I didn’t really know. My conscious part completely excluded things we talked after as well as before. I remember how it made me grounded. I tried to understand the meaning of unexpected questions a very long time. And only after a couple of years, communicating and building relationships with different people, the message seemed mysterious no more.

In understandable language it means: «What do you even know about me? How can you feel such strong feelings for me, if you don’t even know about my favorite things?» 

Does love mean understanding?

Some people feel valuable to another person who are interested in them and when they are understood. It’s a natural need to feel ourselves needed and valuable.

We were dating for about a year, were happy and it seemed fit each other. We felt just fine. But in time, this well-feeling was becoming more squeezing. He almost didn’t ask about how I live and what I love, talked more about himself and his achievements. Of course, I was interested to know him deeper. As I’ve learned from previous experience with another person, I tried to know better about what my partner loves, what his life is like and what makes him alive. Most of all I didn’t like that he doesn’t want to know real me, that he sees what he wants, but not me. Of course, we talked about this, but nothing changed.

With each meeting we lost contact, and our feelings lost strength and colors. We broke up not only for this reason, but from my side it was the most important. When a partner is perceived only as the way of meeting ones needs (to escape from loneliness, have some fun, assert themselves), he is no longer important in itself, and relationships lose their value and their original meaning.

The field of projections is dangerous, because we can’t always be loved in the way we want to. The fog of projections distances us from the real person next to us, forcing us to run as far as possible from your real relationships.

Deepen feelings and getting to know each other

The more you know about your partner, the more realistic your love is. The less you know your partner, the more your love is delusive.

We think that we often understand another person, but can we really understand what we don’t know or love someone we don’t know well? This is the whole difference between facts and our own guess-work, between expectations and reality.

If you know something important about your partner, you get the opportunity to understand him more, and therefore accept more. Such relationships are real. They have real support, real time and space, filled with deep meaning. Yes, our feelings and cognitions are two different processes. Our nature is irrational, and we make illogical decisions. But communication with each other becomes much stronger when we feel mutual understanding and appreciation. Then we feel that we are important, that without us can be nothing. We feel ourselves special for someone who is special person to us by knowing each other.

There is You, and there is He/She.

Ask yourself some questions: «How interested are you in the person you love? Do you see him or what you want to see?»

Close your eyes and think about him/her. Focus on it. What kind of man is that? Keep thinking, mentally place him in front of you, look at him. What do you like about him? What kind of person is he separately from you? What makes him different from others?

Continue to watch at his image, look inside at this person. Look at him, not at the reflection of yourself in it.

You don’t have to make loud statements about love, no. Be interested in your loved ones and strengthen true mutuality. Dare to see reality and enjoy it, but not your projections and expectations. It’s possible, it feels good.

P.S. So when you fall in love with a person, don’t forget to ask him about his favorite color and fruit. 

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